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19 November 2012 @ 10:09 pm
10 Reasons Why You Should Skip BD:2 and Go Get Fro-Yo Instead.  
The new Twilight movie is awful. It's pretty, but it's awful. So it's pretty awful.

1.) Bella is just a super special vampire. People talk about it a lot. That takes up a good 15 minutes of screen time. She does things with her shield. She has a Care Bear Stare moment. She's stronger than Emmett and has superfantasticcontrol. Whoopee. :p

2.) The movie starts with her looking around and seeing ALL OF THE THINGS and then looking adoringly at Edward, who tells her that because they are now both dead, things are awesomer. Funny moment when she is STRONG and EPIC and then he says, "And now we should get your thirst under control." Which is the cue for Bella to act *thirsty*. Which is awkward. Like a lot of thing in this film.*

3.) The baby is creepy as hell. Instead of just getting a real baby and having Bella hold it (awkwardly.) they got a faux baby with a CGI'd face. And then they got a real child with a CGI'd face. And then they got McKenzie Foy, or whatever her name is. Poor kid.

4.) The imprinting stuff is even more awkward on film than it is in the books.

5.) *Speaking of awkward, Jacob Black strips down so that he can turn into a wolf to show Charlie that Weird Stuff is Happening in Forks. Let me say that again- Jacob Black (teenage boy) strips down in front of Charlie (adult male). It made the audience laugh. It made me very very very uncomfortable.

6.) Alice has a flashforward scene where she sees Jacob and Renesme being all adoring while watching a sunset. It is awkward. Mostly because they CGI'd McKenzie Foy's face on another actresses' head.

7.) The best part about the whole movie is the twist: Alice basically freaks out Aro by showing him what would happen if they fought. In the vision, EVERY. BODY. DIES. Carlisle, Jasper, I think Emmett, and the other two Volturi guys (the big scary one played by Christopher Heyerdahl seems to welcome death happily, which says just how much fun he's having with his family- I can totally relate).

8.) The other best part about the whole movie is EVERYTHING LEE PACE DOES. EVER.

9.) Twihards should be happy because they finally get their sex scene. It is tragically long and excruciating.

10.) Basically there is no earthly reason that two movies should have been made out of one lifeless, limp, ridiculous, plotless piece of sh*t book. There should have been ONE Breaking Dawn. Or, better yet, none at all.

I'm really glad I went, though, because G and I got to have our final Twilight viewing AND we got to see this marvelous piece of marvelousness:

train_lindztrain_lindz on November 20th, 2012 04:14 am (UTC)
Smooth rides make for boring stories.: *facepalm*lillbet on November 20th, 2012 12:53 pm (UTC)
HOLY GAWDS. And you said "us"- what unfortunate did you manage to drag along to this mess?

We usually sit in the very back row and I picked the one in front of it and G said, "Probably for the best. The folks sitting behind us... *gasp* eyes forward, Lill. Eyes forward."
train_lindztrain_lindz on November 20th, 2012 01:49 pm (UTC)
The Husband and I. It was his idea to go opening weekend! It was a morning show, though, so not many people were there.

I'm going to say though, I liked it better than Part 1, purely because of your points 7 and 8. And because they didn't fucking play chess as part of the movie this time.
Smooth rides make for boring stories.: Unf!lillbet on November 21st, 2012 03:37 am (UTC)
Oh, he's a keeper. As if you didn't already know... ;p

I did too. For all of that. I was a little bummed that they spent so little time on meeting the new batch, and also ALL OF THE TALKING. It really could have been tacked onto Part 1. With more Garrett, of course.

Lee Pace is going to be in all 3 hobbit movies. Which means that I'm going to have to see them all. *sigh* DAMMIT.
javidan: Cafeteria Jasperjavidan on November 21st, 2012 02:26 am (UTC)
Seriously? During a morning showing? Wow...
guadguad on November 20th, 2012 09:16 am (UTC)
I know that is not a movie I'l spend money on. Your description though sounds better than the book.

Can't watch the trailer, am at home, but that zombie thing sounds like fun :D
Smooth rides make for boring stories.: *flail*lillbet on November 20th, 2012 12:51 pm (UTC)
See, the worst part of the whole experience was knowing that I was only doing it to GET IT OUT OF THE WAY. Because Pt. 1? Watched it via a DVD from one of those box in a store things (you go, punch in what you want, and it spits out a disc). Really didn't want to see either of them. It was drudgery, I tell you.

The zombie thing is adorbs. See if you can find the book and start with that. It's about a zombie who falls in love and becomes less zombie like. The book is mostly very entertaining interior monolog. In the movie, R is played by Nicolas Hoult and Julia is played by the Aussie chick from I Am Number Four, so good cast for one thing. :D
guadguad on November 20th, 2012 03:42 pm (UTC)
Good for not spending cinema money on that crap. Oh and I'll probably watch it illegally downloaded once it's available in spanish - my gf and her mum want to see it.

Ugh but Stephenie Meyer wrote a recommendation on the cover of that book. That almost makes me want to NOT read it!

I might give it a try though.
Smooth rides make for boring stories.: *flail*lillbet on November 21st, 2012 03:24 am (UTC)
Ignore her and trust me. Is good. And if you can find the trailer, check it out! :D

ETA: SIMON PEGG LIKES IT TOO. SIMON. PEGG. Shaun of the Dead. You know....

Edited at 2012-11-21 04:11 am (UTC)
javidan: Jasper w/ bat animatedjavidan on November 21st, 2012 02:25 am (UTC)
Love your summary!

Haven't seen this extravaganza yet---a girlfriend of mine wants me to go next week. I think its going to be difficult to keep my snarky comments to myself.

The series disappointed me more as it moved forward---started with good ideas, cool characters, then wtf vampire baby shit. Please. No.

Does Jasper still look strained? *adds Jasper icon*
Smooth rides make for boring stories.: *sparkle*lillbet on November 21st, 2012 03:27 am (UTC)
Go thou to a matinee which are less expensive and snarkest thou to thy heart's content!

Yeah, I really didn't expect much at all, but the second and third movies were unexpectedly decent (despite a few laughable lines) and the last two were just... as you say. Please. No.

Jasper looked pretty chill. Until Aro decapitated him. Or maybe it was Jamie Campbell Vampire who did it? It's a blur. A pretty pretty blur. Of awful. :p
powdered_opium: academiapowdered_opium on November 22nd, 2012 06:03 pm (UTC)
Warm Bodies is one of those books I read which stayed with me for a long time and it's so awesome and NICHOLAS HOULT


in other news

Oh, Twilight. Why, Twilight.